WONDERING

Wow... I must still be reeling a bit from the feeling of growing older... You know, the feeling you get when you pass a life milestone? Like a 10 year H.S. reunion?

I've not been able to shake this feeling... that somehow... I've let something slip by. That I've missed some major moment in my life. That I've set myself on a course that I can't navigate off of.

I'm of course talking about being single. I've been single a very long time. Well... I did have a small thing for a couple of months about two years ago... but it was never "serious" and was more fun than anything substantial. In all reality I've not had a serious relationship since 1993.

It's been 10 years since I've TRULY had a Girlfriend. 10 years since I shared everything about me with a woman. The good, the bad, the embarassing, the uplifting... all of it.

I think it's starting to weigh on me. This feeling. This gnawing emptiness that sometimes I just can't shake.

And seeing Laura... pregnant and engaged... while it makes my heart sing to see her happiness and joy...

well...

It also brings with it a certain degree of sadness and bewilderment. I never intended to be alone for so long. I never thought that I'd be pushing 30 and alone. But alas... I am.

Sure I have friends and family... but I don't have that "SOMEONE"... that friend that you tell everything to... the lover whose arms you fall asleep in... that partner who shares in your every accomplishment and failure... that "SOMEONE".

Have I let her get away? Did she come into my life at some point and move on when I didn't get "the hint"? Is it possible that I've been so caught up in my own self doubts and my own self pity over Tayva from so many many years ago that I just flat out didn't see her when she came my way?

Could I have allowed myself to have missed my chance?

That's my fear. That I've been too stupid to notice that moment, that one crystal clear moment that you always hear about. When everything finally "makes sense" and you "just know".

What if I wasn't paying enough attention?

I guess I'll just have to believe that I haven't missed out. That my future still holds her in it's arms and is waiting until the right moment to let me know.

It's possible she's in my life already, but the timing hasn't been right. It's possible she's yet to pass.

But I'm going to hold on to the notion the "SHE" is out there. And when the timing's right, the universe will reveal her truth to me.

I have to believe this. I have no choice. Otherwise, what's the point in anything?

Know what I mean?